Cockneys vs. Zombies Movie Review

Cockneys vs. Zombies – 4 out of 5

Boy, those zombies will take on anyone in a fight. They’ll fight the military, just ordinary humans, kids who refuse to stay in domiciles they are instructed to remain in, guys named Shaun, girls named Barbara, Japanese swim teams and they are REALLY fond of fighting strippers. But now they’ve turned their attention towards the cockneys…

"There's is not something behind me. What do you think this is? A zombie movie?"

You fool! Zombies hate fake mustaches. Please don't
tell me you have one of those stupid marker mustaches
on your finger because they really hate those!

Cockneys vs. Zombies is about two brothers; Terry and Andy (Rasmus Hardiker—yes, that’s the actors name—and Harry Treadaway), who plan a bank robbery in order to get some money so their grandfather Ray (Alan Ford) is capable of remaining at the old folks home he is so fond of. So they gather up their cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan), their prerequisite incompetent friend (because every crime team needs one) and a mentally unstable veteran that goes by the name of “Mental” Mickey (Ashley Bashy Thomas—once again, that is the actor’s name). After being forced to take two hostages in order to escape the bank and the waiting cops outside, the group is shocked to discover that London has been taking over by the undead and now they need to get to the old folks home and save them before they become an aged meal for some zombies.

Not to get all agecist here but I can't tell who are the zombies and who are the old people.

I guess you can say that zombie doesn't have a leg to stand
on--OW! A mysterious force punched me upside the head
before I could finish that lame joke.

Honestly, going into this film I had expectations that the film would be terrible. Since zombie films are churned out by the thousands on a yearly basis and since most of them put less time and effort (and money) into the films than the effort a typical girl puts into deciding what filter makes her grilled cheese look best on Instagram, I honestly believed I was going to be watching another phoned in zombie film with bad acting, no story and shitty gore and make-up effects that are meant only to cash in on the craze. However, I was completely surprised by this one.

He seems a little too okay with the zombie bite.

Clearly she's trying to compensate for her lack of a penis...

Unlike times when zombies are engaging in fisticuffs against the ladies of the pole, this outing of a zombie deathmatch actually had a story to it. There was something actually going on with it. It had a problem (the home the grandpa loves so much is about to go bye-bye) and a solution (robbing a bank to get the money…sure, it’s not the solution most of us would go with but why not, right?). The zombies are thrown in as a complication and, while in other films this may seemed tacked on, Cockneys vs. Zombies didn’t make it feel that way. The zombie element doesn’t feel like a cheap gimmick to cash in on the popularity of the living dead.

"Oi! We're gunna put a clobberin' on you rotten muckers."
(I think that's how cockneys talk...)

Once the zombies arrive, the film hits the perfect stride as it brings in some fantastic dark comedy with it. The gags are relentless and witty in their execution as the film will give you jokes about how slow zombies move (an old man with a walker is able to just barely stay ahead of them), some great gore gags (like a relentless zombie that won’t stop biting even after it takes some lead to the head) and even a pleasantly humorous offensive gag that involves a zombie baby.

Watch this movie with a parent without a sense of humor or someone who is easily
offended...once you get to this scene their reaction will be delightful.

That’s the real heart of it; the humor. The movie does the comedy extremely well and keeps the movie from becoming stale and repetitive. The fact it has decent actors, fun characters, a solid story and zombies that look extremely convincing and not something in your usual “get that zombie movie out there, make-up is of no consequence” movie, only act as re-enforcing agents that make the film that much stronger and more enjoyable.

With this revelation, it's a wonder zombies can catch anyone at all.

To boil it down, Cockneys vs. Zombies is basically a Guy Ritchie film with the walking dead added to it…which makes even more sense when you realize that Alan Ford, the guy who used pigs to dispose of his enemies in Snatch, is in this film and much of the fast-pace editing and backstory gags look suspiciously familiar. While the title suggests the film has the very real potential to be a piece of phoned-in crap with no imagination and effort behind it, CvZ is damn funny and very, very entertaining.